Hello again.  I am not even going to look up how long it’s been since I last blogged.  I know it’s been long enough that I feared possibly forgetting how to blog.  Then I remembered it’s really just typing.

(I signed up for typing class in high school sort of on a whim.  I must say it was a solid choice and has probably saved me entire days of my life over the course of my career.  When I was in high school we used actual typewriters, some of which didn’t even have to plug into a wall.  I guess they were wireless communication devices in their own charming way).

So I haven’t been blogging much lately, which worried me a little for a while, but then I remembered that only about five people check my blog regularly and they’re smart enough to learn that they only need to check it every couple of weeks.

Today I have a thought to share about Valentine’s Day, or as it’s known around these parts, the holiday preceded by a week of awkward sideways glances cast by the dozens of male engineers in my building who try to pretend they don’t see each other during their lunch hour while they shuffle around like cattle in the holiday aisle at the Wal-Mart adjacent to our campus.  Their facial expressions reveal a sense of shame at being seen shopping for their dearest ones’ gifts at a humble Wal-Mart, but they soldier on because the Wal-Mart is so conveniently located and so doggone cost-effective that the pros of the efficiency outweigh the cons of the awkwardness.  It’s really just not a pretty sight.

Or so I’ve heard.

As part of today’s Valentine theme I will avoid the blogger tradition of singing the praises of my own personal Valentine.  (How much do I love her?  I love her so much that I will spare her the indignity of being written about by me).

So right now I’m thinking of how I can get rich off of Valentine’s Day without leaving my office or quitting my day job.  What with our sluggish economy I figure it’s the least I can do for America.  My idea is to provide a vital service that benefits all my co-workers and potentially allows them to escape the horrifying awkwardness of standing in a Wal-Mart checkout line with their boss while holding a $3.95 aluminum foil-wrapped heart-shaped box of institutional-grade chocolate.

My idea is to have about 500 bulk-discounted roses delivered to my small office every year on about February 7th.  According to my field observation in the Wal-Mart, a good 90% of my co-workers make their Valentine purchases sometime after the 7th.  I could apply a huge mark-up because engineers (trust me) would place a very high value on not having to face each other at the Wal-Mart every year.  Within five years, I bet I could build up a loyal clientele of 30 or so guys who would come to depend on me for all their Valentine’s Day fare.  I could stock Valentine’s cards for them also, because I’d only need to pick out one sentimental but not overly mushy card each year and buy 30 of that same card because I’m pretty sure Kentucky law ensures that each of these husbands would be taking the card home to a different wife.  Besides, when was the last time you saw two women compare the cards their husbands gave them (especially when they can tell they came from Wal-Mart)?

I think this is pretty much a foolproof idea.

(Oh, and of course I’d need to offer some sort of chocolate supply, but I’ve already got that figured out.  I’m going to form a strategic alliance with all the Girl Scout Cookie people in my office).

So lately we’ve been seeing lots of maneuvering in congress related to this whole health care reform thing.  Fear not!  I am not about to offer any attempt at political commentary.  I generally avoid such conflict because most of it is just not worth the trouble.

But there’s been a new development of late that gave me a great idea.  I am purposefully going to be vague about the policy details behind this, because I don’t want to look them up, and you probably don’t care about them anyway.

One of the ideas floated recently is that so-called “Cadillac” health care plans should incur new taxes to help defray other costs of health care.  This concept presumably led to a hearty round of backslapping among the assembled reform supporters.  And then another reform supporter in the form of a big labor union pointed out that, um, many big labor unions that are supporting health care reform have union members with Cadillac health care plans, and they’re not so keen on the whole new tax thing.

So what do congresspersons generally do in a situation like this when one of their bright ideas runs afoul of one of their loyal constituent groups?  (I’m being bipartisan here.  Truly).

1.    Slap themselves humbly on their collective forehead and say, “Gee, we didn’t think that idea through fully.  Maybe we should come up with a better way.”
2.    Slap the bearer of bad news a five and say, “Oh, we didn’t mean we were going to tax YOUR expensive health care plan.  We’re going to tax everybody ELSE’s expensive health care plan.”

And thus was born the idea of taxing Cadillac health care plans, unless said plans are affiliated with a labor union.  In case this does happen, I’m already thinking ahead.  I doubt my plan would qualify for the new tax, but I am feeling empathy for those who would have to pay more taxes than others just because they don’t have a union card.  I am also feeling entrepreneurial and ready to ride to the rescue of the disenfranchised.

Thus, I am proud to publicly announce my intention to organize a new labor-union called the National Brotherhood and/or Sisterhood of the Independent Occasional Blog-Reading Nincompoops.

Anybody can join by sending in their $25 annual dues to an account to be named later.  What do NBAOSOTIOBRN union members get in return?

1.     An annual email confirming their membership is in good standing.  (Handsome laminated card available for an additional modest fee).
2.    Aggressive public advocacy, in the form of a carefully worded press release posted on the union’s website once a quarter, proclaiming the intelligence, diligent work ethic, and general physical attractiveness of union members.
3.    A legal way to save thousands in taxes by following the rules currently under consideration in congress.

Oh, sure, congress will probably come up with some wacky rule that in order to receive the union tax break, the union will actually have to administer the actual health care plan.  We all know such a rule will have more loopholes than a Berber carpet.  We can work something out.  I bet NBAOSOTIOBRN members can qualify for the tax break if the union simply serves as a consultant regarding health care decisions.  I envision some form of automatic online consultation that would take place when a member pays his or her annual dues:

Q:  Should I participate in my employer’s healthcare plan?
A:  Probably!

Q:  Now that I’ve paid my $25 union membership and consulted you about my health care choices, can I claim the thousands of dollars congress is offering as a special benefit to union members?
A:  Our lawyer assures us we cannot be held legally liable if you do!

Q:  Thanks!
A:  No problem.  See you during enrollment next year.

What’s not to like?

(This is where I would like to point out to any member of congress, the IRS, or pretty much anybody who might have a real legal objection to this idea, that satire is a legally protected form of speech.  This is satire.  As far as you can tell).

Saturday night here was beautiful, moonlit, and perfectly crisp.  But this particular October 31st was unsettling.  Most Halloween nights our family attends a fall festival at our church.  (It’s sort of the opposite as when people hold a “holiday parade” because they don’t want to admit it’s Christmas).  This year our fall festival was the night before Halloween, so for the first time in years I was home on Halloween night.  I think the long absence caused me to lose touch with societal traditions.

There I was sitting at home, minding my own business.  Suddenly I was accosted by a parade of colorful characters.  They just showed up uninvited.  They hid behind masks to obscure their true personalities.  Some were funny and some were scary.  While entertaining for a few minutes, they quickly wore out their welcome when they demanded more and more of my possessions.  They seemed to think they were so special I should just be delighted to hand over everything I have.  It was all really rather distasteful.

So I quickly switched from C-Span back to football.

I must start today with a general apology to corporate America, or at least the Hershey’s company.  I recently made a snarky comment about how no self-respecting modern company would sully its sales of Easter products to the general public by injecting even a little “meaning” into the process.  Specifically I was speculated that if Lucky Charms cereal made an Easter-themed product it would probably include little marshmallow Peep-like characters such as bunnies or chicks, but no crosses.  Well, it turns out that Hershey’s sells chocolate crosses in addition to the traditional chocolate bunny.  Well done, Hershey’s.  As a Christian consumer sometimes I appreciate being pandered to.  (Error!  Sentence ended in a preposition)!

As a Christian consumer by which sometimes pandering I appreciate.  Whoah.  That’s even worse.  I am a Christian consumer to whom pandering is sometimes appreciated.  That will have to do.

(No, wait.  I can still rein this in.  Sometimes I appreciate companies pandering to the Christian consumer).

Now on to current events.  As April 15th approaches each year it is common for me to awake in a cold sweat and ask myself the following questions:

1.  Did I have any intangible drilling costs in 2008?
2.  Did I amortize any pollution control facilities?
3.  Did I really file my return in February or am I just remembering last year?

I usually settle quickly back to sleep content in the knowledge that I am a big stickler about keeping all my drilling costs tangible.  It’s good to be able to put just one worry out of my mind, especially now that I apparently have to worry about pirates.