Before we start today, I need to come right out and upbraid all my friends and family for allowing me to remain so culturally ignorant. Could not one of you have told me that Katherine Hepburn and Audrey Hepburn were not sisters? Here are two iconic actresses, the only people I’ve ever heard of named “Hepburn”, and they’re not related somehow? Frankly, it makes me question how many of my other general assumptions about life are wrong. If any of you suspect I’m laboring under any other misapprehensions, just speak right up.
(This is where I’d put a segue if I had one)
Tennis player Andre Agassi used to advertise cameras using the slogan “Image is Everything.” He is probably glad that this insipid phrase was presented (barely) tongue-in-cheek, because at the time he was saying it he purposefully looked like this (and may have been using fake hair to augment the look):
Do not try this at home
(I will conveniently fail to mention the fact that, back then, I thought his hair was really cool).
Last month I got a stark example of how hard it is for one to maintain a carefully crafted image. I was sitting in an orthodontic waiting room with a few other parents of teenagers. We were the proud, the few, the people who had already exceeded our lifetime benefit limits on orthodontia. A man drove a hulking SUV into the parking lot and took a seat near me while his daughter got her braces adjusted. He was wearing a fair amount of denim and black, and had a bit of an understated “tough guy” aura about him. I wasn’t exactly intimidated by him, but let’s just say that if a terrorist had come running into the waiting room I would’ve deferred, waiting to see if the denim guy wanted to tackle him first.
His cell phone rang, and the ring tone was the opening guitar riff from “Bad to the Bone.” Perfect. But then he had to talk. And despite his best effort, he couldn’t keep his voice low enough for me to not overhear this:
“Hmm? Ranch dressing? Okay.”
So with apologies to George Thorogood and/or any of the Destroyers:
On the day I was born, the nurses all gathered ’round
And they gazed in wide wonder, at the joy they had found
The head nurse spoke up, said this one’s true colors have shown
“He acts like he’s tough, but he’ll fetch Ranch Dressing home.”
I broke an artichoke heart, before I met you
I’ll break a thousand more baby, before I am through
I wanna be yours pretty baby, yours and yours alone
I’ll use my denim money, and I’ll fetch that Ranch Dressing home
#1 by Carolyn - March 2nd, 2011 at 16:39
I wondered where you were going with this. Good one!