So lately we’ve been seeing lots of maneuvering in congress related to this whole health care reform thing. Fear not! I am not about to offer any attempt at political commentary. I generally avoid such conflict because most of it is just not worth the trouble.
But there’s been a new development of late that gave me a great idea. I am purposefully going to be vague about the policy details behind this, because I don’t want to look them up, and you probably don’t care about them anyway.
One of the ideas floated recently is that so-called “Cadillac” health care plans should incur new taxes to help defray other costs of health care. This concept presumably led to a hearty round of backslapping among the assembled reform supporters. And then another reform supporter in the form of a big labor union pointed out that, um, many big labor unions that are supporting health care reform have union members with Cadillac health care plans, and they’re not so keen on the whole new tax thing.
So what do congresspersons generally do in a situation like this when one of their bright ideas runs afoul of one of their loyal constituent groups? (I’m being bipartisan here. Truly).
1. Slap themselves humbly on their collective forehead and say, “Gee, we didn’t think that idea through fully. Maybe we should come up with a better way.”
2. Slap the bearer of bad news a five and say, “Oh, we didn’t mean we were going to tax YOUR expensive health care plan. We’re going to tax everybody ELSE’s expensive health care plan.”
And thus was born the idea of taxing Cadillac health care plans, unless said plans are affiliated with a labor union. In case this does happen, I’m already thinking ahead. I doubt my plan would qualify for the new tax, but I am feeling empathy for those who would have to pay more taxes than others just because they don’t have a union card. I am also feeling entrepreneurial and ready to ride to the rescue of the disenfranchised.
Thus, I am proud to publicly announce my intention to organize a new labor-union called the National Brotherhood and/or Sisterhood of the Independent Occasional Blog-Reading Nincompoops.
Anybody can join by sending in their $25 annual dues to an account to be named later. What do NBAOSOTIOBRN union members get in return?
1. An annual email confirming their membership is in good standing. (Handsome laminated card available for an additional modest fee).
2. Aggressive public advocacy, in the form of a carefully worded press release posted on the union’s website once a quarter, proclaiming the intelligence, diligent work ethic, and general physical attractiveness of union members.
3. A legal way to save thousands in taxes by following the rules currently under consideration in congress.
Oh, sure, congress will probably come up with some wacky rule that in order to receive the union tax break, the union will actually have to administer the actual health care plan. We all know such a rule will have more loopholes than a Berber carpet. We can work something out. I bet NBAOSOTIOBRN members can qualify for the tax break if the union simply serves as a consultant regarding health care decisions. I envision some form of automatic online consultation that would take place when a member pays his or her annual dues:
Q: Should I participate in my employer’s healthcare plan?
A: Probably!
Q: Now that I’ve paid my $25 union membership and consulted you about my health care choices, can I claim the thousands of dollars congress is offering as a special benefit to union members?
A: Our lawyer assures us we cannot be held legally liable if you do!
Q: Thanks!
A: No problem. See you during enrollment next year.
What’s not to like?
(This is where I would like to point out to any member of congress, the IRS, or pretty much anybody who might have a real legal objection to this idea, that satire is a legally protected form of speech. This is satire. As far as you can tell).