I apologize for how long it’s been since my last post.  I seem to run a little hot or cold on the whole blog thing.  The start of college football season doesn’t seem to be helping my writing quantity.  Or quality.  Maybe I should make my blog seasonal.

Today I have composed an open letter to the aggressive teenage driver.  You can read it even if you’re not aggressive, a teenager, a driver, or any combination thereof.

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Dear aggressive teenage driver,

How’s it going?  Are you enjoying the freedom afforded by your still-warm-from-the-laminating-process driver’s license?  I sincerely hope so.  I fondly recall the heady days of excitedly driving my Mercury Lynx on even the most mundane of errands.  The anticipation of pulling into a parking space all by myself and strutting into school was palpable.  (Of course nobody else noticed because they were too busy strutting themselves.  Collectively we resembled lemmings, except we were more concerned with Cliff’s notes than his edge.  But I digress).

You may not yet realize that, generally speaking, one’s sense of adventure and physical reflexes are inversely proportional to one’s maturity level.  This explains why so often you find yourself swerving in and out of slower traffic as you hasten to your destination to presumably discuss with friends whatever topics you have already discussed via text message.  Have you ever spent much time wondering about us boring, clueless, nameless drivers that serve as moving obstacles along your single-minded journey?

My guess is not.

You see, most of us were also teenagers before we got older.  Most (but certainly not all) of us figured out that aggressive driving just isn’t worth the trouble.  The risks aren’t limited to getting a ticket that daddy might not pay for.  Driving fast sometimes kills people.  It requires more gasoline.  Speeding on most local trips probably don’t save more than a minute if any time at all.  You probably even complained to somebody about having to go to wherever it is you are now barreling toward.  So why the rush to get there?

Besides, have you noticed that in stop-and-go traffic how the other lane always seems to be moving faster than yours?  As soon as you cut somebody off and swerve into it, it slows down and the original lane starts moving faster.  What’s up with that?  It must just be bad luck or Murphy’s Law, right?  Or maybe people not as good at driving as you don’t know how to maintain their speed.  I mean, it couldn’t possibly be that some middle-aged guy ahead of you actually noticed you swerve violently into his lane, and then purposefully (but subtly) slowed the faster-moving lane down, only to speed back away after you abandoned it?

Nah.  Couldn’t be.  Surely a mature grown-up wouldn’t get a kick out of innocently frustrating you just because you’re behaving dangerously and acting like a jerk.

Have a nice trip!  Sincerely,

Mark (and an army of smirking middle-aged former teenagers)