the ark of mark

Now that my summer vacation is complete, it’s time to sum up the funnel cake season here at The Ark of Mark.  Longtime readers will already know that after a decade-long hiatus from eating funnel cakes (driven more by happenstance than deliberate choice), about five years ago I rediscovered this delicacy and have been going strong ever since.

I even have a home funnel cake kit which, while rarely used, promotes mental health by allowing me to know that theoretically, I am never more than thirty minutes from a funnel cake if so desired.  This is probably akin to a person who lives a half mile from the ocean but can’t see it from their house.  It’s just nice knowing it’s nearby.

This has been a satisfying funnel cake summer, meaning I got to eat more than one.  The first was a solid effort put forth by the fine folks operating concessions at the Lexington Legends’ minor league baseball stadium.  (Longtime readers may recall that this establishment won the first and thus far only funnel cake review competition from The Ark of Mark).  Their effort this year was once again a good one, but this year I want to review a new location I found.

“The Funnel Cake” is a small establishment tucked back into an inlet on the main strip in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.  It’s about midway down the strip on the north side of the street.  It’s right next to a “Jerky Outlet” if that helps orient those of you familiar with Gatlinburg.

(And God help the circulatory system of any reader who can rely on an extensive knowledge of Jerky Outlets to find a funnel cake restaurant).

I patronized The Funnel Cake last week with my son, Jacob.  Let’s break this one down by categories.

Environment

While not necessarily great for visibility, the somewhat hidden location of The Funnel Cake was a plus for me, as we were the only customers on this mid-week afternoon.  The high countertops with old school stools and air conditioning were all a plus.  The inviting feel offered by an open front door was entirely offset by the flies it also welcomed.

Jacob and I decided not to try the machine that would answer any yes/no question for a quarter when we realized that the quarter could be flipped to answer such a question without forfeiting our possession of said quarter.

Presentation

The funnel cake was made quickly and efficiently by the pleasant, bustling lady behind the counter.  And when I say “bustling” I do not use the term flippantly.  This lady walked a quarter mile in the short time it took to prepare our cake and drinks.  She never stopped the whole time we were eating, either.  I’m not sure what all she had to do to the various cooking equipment back there, but she was fully engaged.

The paper plate on which the cake was served was adequate.

Menu

I am a funnel cake purist.  All I really need on the menu for a good funnel cake experience is the one line item.  Powdered sugar is the only topping that need apply.  However, The Ark of Mark strives to paint its funnel cake reviews with a vivid palette for your palate, so I should point out that The Funnel Cake boasts the most dizzying array of options I have ever seen.  You want a fruit topping?  How about strawberry, blueberry, blackberry, raspberry, or peach?  You want something to sweeten things up besides powdered sugar?  How about sugar glaze (think glazed donut), caramel glaze, cinnamon, or peanut butter glaze?  Whipped cream?  Sure.

If so inclined, one could also order a deep-fried Twinkie, deep-fried Oreos, deep-fried Snickers, or a deep-fried wedding cake.  (I only made up that last one).

I stuck with the pure goodness of the plain cake with powdered sugar, but confess that if I had been in the area the next day, I might have had to try a sugar glazed cake with blackberries and whipped cream.  (Insert Homer Simpson gurgling sound).

Quality

Not much to say here.  It was perfectly cooked.  Bravo.

Cost

I don’t remember.  Four or five bucks.  I was days into a family vacation and had long sense stopped paying attention to the money flying out of my wallet.

Intangibles

Now this is where we run into an unexpected complication.  In the past I have lauded such intangibles as eating a funnel cake next to a decorative water fountain at an amusement park while thrilled patrons scream on distant roller coasters.

The Funnel Cake had one of those delightfully old school menu boards with the little black or red letters that have to be inserted by hand.  The kind where all the items are listed in black, and all the prices in red, except where maybe they ran out of a specific black letter and had to scatter in a few random red ones or use an upside-down E for a 3.  I was admiring the classic look and feel of the menu and then saw a random sentence down below all the food offerings:

Bow down to Cristinas boss toes

Now what in the world are we to make of this statement?  If I were a competent writer I would’ve simply asked the bustling lady if she were in fact Cristina, and regardless of the reply, could she explain this?  If I had legions of devoted readers I’d just dispatch one in the Gatlinburg area to follow-up for some answers.  Instead, because I simply wandered off in confusion, we are left to speculate.

1. Is this a good-natured ribbing of an employee named Cristina because she has weird toes?
2. Is this an inside joke among employees about some exhibit down the street at the Ripley’s Believe it or Not Musem?
3. Are employees being implored to genuflect to the toes of Cristina’s boss but they did not have any little menu board apostrophes to indicate the possessive tense?

I think the most likely explanation is that the employees are a friendly bunch and are having some good-natured fun at Cristina’s expense.  While I am all in favor of camaraderie-building ribbing amongst co-workers, in this reviewer’s humble opinion, no part of a good funnel cake experience should invoke feet, no matter how boss they may be.

Conlcusion

First and foremost, this post would have been much improved if I had taken pictures to go with the review.  Sorry.  When considering the overall experience, I confidently give The Ark of Mark’s seal of approval to The Funnel Cake in Gatlinburg, TN.