Some of you reading this blog may be unaware that I used to do some similarly amateur writing that was not in a blog format.  There should be a link to the old website somewhere on the side of this page or somebody on my staff is going to be fired.  There are links to old entries dating way back to 2003.

When I started this blog earlier this year I intended to eventually migrate some of my favorite things from the old site over to here.  So today I would like to present something I wrote in 2005 that generated lots of feedback.  And when I say “lots” I mean by my standards and not, say, J.K. Rowling’s.

I’m of course pleased that some of you remember this fondly, but do wish the subject matter had been more profound.  Then again, the fact that this is a “fan favorite” implicates you every bit as much as me.  I edited this just a little from the original, which probably matters to nobody, but I feel compelled to mention it because other bloggers make a big deal out of noting specific changes to previous posts.  I have yet to understand why.  Maybe it’s just part of blog protocol, or some remnant of actual journalistic practices to which I don’t even pretend to adhere.

***From August, 2005***

WELCOME to The Ark of Mark, which takes pride that it rarely descends to “bathroom humor.” This month we are making an exception. As part of an extensive bathroom renovation, we are getting a new toilet. Did you know that, like automobile and running shoe companies, toilet manufacturers give names to different models? For example, you can buy a Kohler “Cimarron” or American Standard “Champion” toilet. I don’t have a problem with this in principle. However, I do strongly object to a particular model name in the Kohler line. With all due respect to Dave Barry, I am not making this up.

They have a toilet called “Memoirs.”

I realize that somebody in Marketing may have chosen the name “Memoirs” just because it is a nice sounding word without even considering it sounds like a euphemism in this context, but don’t you agree they should have given this more thought? They have ruined the word “Memoirs” for me forever. I just went to Google and searched on “memoirs.” Below is a brief sampling of phrases using the word. Try to read them yourself with a straight face in light of what Kohler has done:

“Memoirs of a Geisha: A Novel”
“The Darth Side: Memoirs of a Monster”
“Turning Memories into Memoirs”
“Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant” (now that’s a museum exhibit I never want to see)

For the skeptical, the link to the “Memoirs” toilet is here. As a responsible amateur Christian humor columnist, I did e-mail Kohler and ask if there was some nuance I was missing about this name. As of this writing they have not responded. For the curious, we went with a Toto “Drake” toilet. (I mention this in case I ever want to brag that I’m the only amateur Christian humor columnist to make toilet recommendations).

***From September, 2005***

WELCOME to the Ark of Mark.  In our last visit we discussed the troubling decision by the Kohler Company to choose the curious and potentially disgusting name “Memoirs” for one of its toilets.  In a sincere spirit of understanding, I emailed Kohler to ask if maybe I was just missing something.  I have reproduced our actual exchange below.  This really happened:

Mark’s email to Kohler:

I’m sorry to take up your time with a question like this, but maybe you can email me the answer.  I hate to even bring this up, but do you really think Memoirs is an appropriate name for a toilet?  Was this chosen just because it sounds nice without really considering what sorts of memoirs are actually associated with toilets?  Or is there some other connotation I’m missing?  Again, sorry to take up your time, but I’m sincerely curious. Thanks.

Here is Kohler’s actual reply:

Thank you for contacting Kohler.  I do understand that Memoirs is an “odd” name for a toilet, however the name was chosen for the entire suite of products, including faucets, baths, whirlpools, sinks and accessories.  I am not sure how the designer came up with the name, however we describe the suite as follows; “The sophistication of traditional design serves as the inspiration for the Memoirs Suite. With its rich detailing, this suite of products echo the stylized lines of historically renowned furniture and architectural design. Two styles offer different dignified interpretations – the clean, crisp lines of the Stately design, and the added rounded detail of the Classic style, which resembles crown molding. With fixtures and faucets available, the extensive Memoirs Suite can accommodate both large and small bath and powder rooms.”  I am unsure if this response has fully answered your question, and if it has not, feel free to contact me again. Thank you for your interest in Kohler products.  Lisa W

Frankly, I was impressed by Lisa’s earnest reply.  It makes more sense that this name was given to a suite of products (although I still think they should give special consideration to the harsh reality of including toilets when naming a product suite).  It almost makes me regret having chosen another brand of toilet.  I will just have to come to terms with missing out on the dignified interpretations of historically renowned furniture and architectural design that served as the inspiration for the sophisticated traditional design of the Memoirs suite.  Alas.