Archive for June, 2009
A Special Offer – (What About Bob)?
Today brings an exciting first to The Ark of Mark. The Special Offer! I have a Special Offer for readers interested in vacationing in the Smoky Mountains. But first I need to tell you a little about Bob.
Bob and I went to high school together. He was a freshman when I was a senior, and we were both on the cross country team. Bob did not fully understand that because I was the top returning runner on the team, I was not supposed to have trouble shaking him during hard workouts. He just wore me out. It seemed like every time I turned around, there he was, right on my heels. Eventually I got over the indignity of it all and became a better runner for it. He was just a tenacious kid.
We ended up becoming great friends, despite our age difference (which was big only in the context of high school). After I graduated we still trained together a lot during summers and even ran together for a year in college. To this day we still greet each other by saying “Howdy Partmer” because somebody had spray painted this on a country road near his house where we used to run. (Notice that I said “partmer” and not “partner”). We got no end of amusement from “Howdy Partmer.” To this day I wonder what would possess somebody to stop and paint this on a country road, and whether the spelling was deliberate. I still can’t decide if it’s funnier if “partmer” was intentional or accidental.
(Any readers familiar with Philpot, KY culture circa 1989 feel free to chime in if you have an explanation for this).
Bob and I once went for a run and underestimated the temperature, so we stopped and draped our T-shirts over a farm fence. After the run we returned for the shirts and found them missing. We inquired at the house and learned the farmer’s wife had taken them off the fence. She brought them out to us washed, dried, and folded. (I realize this sounds like the start of a joke about a farmer’s wife, but that’s the end of the story). I don’t know if she was just being helpful or if she thought she’d scored two free shirts and was surprised we came back for them.
So Bob the tenacious kid grew up. He’s the manager of a property management company that rents log cabins and chalets, based in the Smoky Mountains. Our family has stayed in several cabins in between Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge and we always have a great experience. Bob has offered Ark readers a 20% discount. All you have to do is use the promotional code “ARK” when making a reservation and they’ll hook you up. Here’s a link with more details:
I’ll be down there myself in late July scouting out one of God’s most beautiful creations. Of course I’m talking about a funnel cake in downtown Gatlinburg. The Smoky Mountains also represent some of His better handiwork.
Maniac
Posted by Mark in Entertainment, Running on June 26th, 2009
Do you know that feeling when, even if for a fleeting moment, you wish you could assume a different personality? I certainly do. Maybe this is why I enjoy sports mascots so much. I envy a person who can act like a buffoon in public while maintaining the kind of anonymity usually reserved for those, say, writing an obscure blog.
Before we go any further, I need to ask you a question. Did you see the movie Flashdance? I don’t remember if I ever actually watched Flashdance, but I definitely remember the video for the song “Maniac” from the movie. (The Internet tells me it was sung by Michael Sembello, and who am I to argue). Actually, more important than the movie or the video is whether you are aware of the famous scene where the main character dances with really quick footsteps to that song, and at some point for a reason I cannot recall, a bunch of water splashes down. I’m not big on pop culture but I think that scene is probably iconic even if the water probably did warp the dance floor.
One reason I think the scene is iconic is because it is entrenched in our culture enough that the inherently funny Chris Farley mimicked it when getting mud hosed off him at a gas station in the movie Tommy Boy. He quick-stepped in the water and sang “She’s a maniac, MANIAC, on the floor. And she’s dancin’ like she’s never danced before.” I laughed out loud.
So yesterday I’m running by myself through downtown Lexington during my lunch hour. The temperature was mid-eighties and climbing. Not ideal running weather, but it was the only weather available during my lunch hour. I looked a block ahead and saw two rather burly fellows wearing city government shirts. They were standing next to a water truck with garden hoses attached, watering some taxpayer-supported flowers along the sidewalk. I thought to myself that it would feel good to run through the water spray, and they would probably be mildly amused to have some random citizen jogger ask them to turn their hoses on him.
And that’s when I remembered Chris Farley.
So let me ask you another question. Imagine you are a burly city government worker standing downtown on a hot day, watering flowers. Imagine that a random jogger approaches and beckons for you to spray him down. Somewhat amused, you turn the hose on him, whereupon he starts quick-stepping and sings “She’s a maniac, MANIAC, on the floor. And she’s dancin’ like she’s never danced before.”
Would that not be one of the funniest things you had ever seen? Would you not tell every one of your burly government co-workers about the hilarious jogger guy who re-enacted scene where Chris Farley re-enacted the scene from Flashdance?
Please tell me that moment would have made your day.
So this is where I wish I had adopted a different personality for that moment. As I approached them I only had about three seconds from the time I had the Chris Farley inspiration until I would have had to spring into action. I hesitated. What if these guys are so young they don’t even remember Tommy Boy, much less Flashdance? Suddenly I was upon them. I threw my arms out to the side, raised my eyebrows, and turned toward them to indicate I was overheated from my run and wanted them to spray me. One of them did turn the hose my way, but his expression indicated that he couldn’t tell if I was joking or serious. Discretion being the better part of valor, he decided it was better to assume I was kidding and let me risk heat exhaustion than to risk getting fired because some random jogger sued the city after being waylaid by an unwelcome jet of (what may have been unsanitary pond) water.
So I just smiled in a friendly manner and kept on running. He smiled and turned back to his flowers.
So now I’m frustrated. If I were just sufficiently demonstrative I could have at least gotten cooled down. And if I were even bolder I may well have given at least three people a story they could tell for years. Alas.
And the worst part is that I’ve had “Maniac” stuck in my head for over twenty-four hours now.
(And I’m dancin’ like I’ve never danced before).
Father’s Day 2009
So what do I say about the man who taught me the following important life lessons?
1. The best way to clean under your fingernails is to wash your hair
2. The best kind of fishing includes a bucket of KFC
Of course Dad taught me many more important things, but those are two of my everyday favorites.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar Dad has saved other people by fixing things for them. I guess I do have a dollar for every dollar he’s saved fixing my cars. Family and friends call him up and ask his opinion on some problem they are having, and he cheerfully gives advice or offers to have a look at it himself. Do you remember that sentimental scene in Apollo 13 when Jim Lovell’s mom comforts his children by saying, “If they could get a washing machine to fly, my Jimmy could land it.” Well, if you can put an engine on it, Dad can make it run.
I once put an after-market cruise control on a pickup truck. It worked, but only barely. I’d lose ten miles per hour going up a small hill. The next time I was at my parents’ house (arriving late at night) Dad came outside in his pajamas to greet me. I mentioned the problem so he asked me to pop the hood. Using only his bare hands and a golf tee he diagnosed a vacuum line problem and fixed whatever mistake I’d made in about 5 minutes.
I like to think I’m pretty handy with home and auto repairs, but it’s only because I picked up maybe half of Dad’s ability.
Was Dad influential in other areas of my life? He’s an electrical engineer. So am I. I used to tease him about how my college GPA was 0.1 higher than his, but realized that wasn’t fair considering that while he was in school he married Mom, then they had me, AND (oh by the way) he worked a full-time job.
During my first electrical circuits class I has a professor who was a sharp guy with almost zero teaching aptitude, and interpersonal skills to match. I struggled with circuits right off the bat and was frustrated. Then my parents came for a visit and I showed Dad the stuff that had me confused. Ten minutes later, I understood completely.
Dear Dr. Brown,
Remember me? I’m the one you smirked at when you found out I was on the track team. You told me that athletics and engineering don’t mix. You once taunted me for missing both problems on a pop quiz and getting a zero. If your memory is in fact good enough to remember me, maybe you’ll also remember who ended up with the highest grade in your class that semester because his Dad taught him what you could not. Not that I am bitter neener neener neener.
Mark
So now Dad has been retired a few years. He teaches Sunday School and still plays on the church softball team. Does he have any other activities that might keep his engineering and handy-man skills sharp? Check this out:
I should mention that he built that plane himself. Those who know him best won’t be surprised to hear it runs like a top.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad!
Birthday Girl
Somebody turns seven today. Here’s hoping she has a great birthday. If you’re wondering how many times she’s got me wrapped around her finger, the answer is pretty much as many times as there can be.
Check, Mate
I have read that as we age, it is healthy for us to engage in activities that keep the mind stimulated. Think crossword puzzles. If true, I may be in big trouble (unless college football counts).
Most of the time I have no interest in any kind of mental challenges outside of those required. Life in general keeps my mind fully occupied. On car trips Laura likes to work those Sudoku puzzles. I’m a math guy and I haven’t even bothered to learn the goal of a Sudoku puzzle, much less work one. (Perhaps any pent-up need to commit math is satisfied by my day job). Crossword puzzles turn me off. When I go to Cracker Barrell I want to drink coffee, eat breakfast, stare at the fire, and maybe breathe through my mouth. Why would I want to frustrate myself maneuvering colorful golf tees about a wooden triangle? I have enough to think about without taking on artificial challenges.
I do strive to meet the minimum level of mental gymnastics to parent our kids. I’ll do the occasional Mad Lib, for example.
Our son, Jacob, learned to play chess when he was about six or seven. I came home from work and he told me he knew how to play. I think my father-in-law taught him. I proudly sat down to play a chess match with Jacob, which I won mostly by accident.
Then we played again. He won. I didn’t exactly let him win, but I didn’t really focus on the game, either. I enjoy letting our kids win games, but I usually try to win enough myself just so they know that losing is a part of life and can accept it when it happens. So when we played the next game I knuckled down.
And he beat me even faster than he did before.
Maybe the reason I don’t enjoy mental challenge games is that they are too much of a mental challenge for me. Over the next few weeks we played enough that I learned I was indeed a superior player, but frankly not by very much. We haven’t played in quite a while and I assume he has surpassed me, seeing as how he’s getting smarter and I’m (at best) holding steady.
Today I came home from work to find Jacob, now twelve, teaching our daughter, almost seven, how the chess pieces can move. I’m not sure if they were playing for real. Shelby was giggling with each illegal move she tried. I think she was doing it on purpose to try to frustrate him, which sisters sometimes do to brothers (or so I have heard).
At one point Jacob said, “No, Shelby. Pawns can only be moved forward.”
So Shelby gets up, walks around to his side of the table, and moves her pawn to the exact square she had just tried, except now (being on the other side of the table) she was indeed pushing it forward. Problem solved.
Why make things harder than they have to be?
That’s my girl.
The Hills are Alive with Music
Posted by Mark in Entertainment on June 9th, 2009
So I was thinking about The Sound of Music while mowing my lawn. (Lawn mowing is a contemplative time for me). A classic movie, to be sure, even if the title manages to be redundant despite being four words long. Does one truly have music without sound? For example, could a hill be alive with the taste, touch, smell, or sight of music? It could only be the sound, right? Consider:
1) The hills are alive with the sound of music.
2) The hills are alive with music.
Perhaps I’m missing some nuance, but those seem like equivalent statements to me, and one of them is inefficient. I think the movie could have been bold enough to just claim the stark title Music outright.
But that’s not even my main point. Let’s review some song lyrics:
Do – a deer, a female deer
Re – a drop of golden sun
Mi – a name I call myself
Fa – a long long way to run
So – a needle pulling thread
La – a note to follow so
Ti – a drink with jam and bread
That will bring us back to Do (Repeat 37 times)
Being ignorant of most things musical I am loathe to criticize Rodgers and/or Hammerstein, but doesn’t the “La” part seem a bit lame compared to the rest? Was that really the best they could do? Or maybe I’m ill-equipped to appreciate what may be a precise bit of deliberate whimsy, without which The Sound of Music would’ve been the musical equivalent of Mall Cop instead of a timeless international classic.
One should not criticize songwriters without first singing a mile in their shoes. So here’s an engineer’s crack at a modern version of the song. I think it’s the only song I’ve ever written, unless you count the time in high school when I wrote a full parody of Stairway to Heaven for the sole purpose of making fun of another kid’s shirt. (You can only imagine how cool I was in high school).
I recommend using your imagination and having Julie Andrews sing this for full effect. It may take a couple of tries to make the syllables fit the familiar tune, but it can be done:
Do – what Homer calls raw bread
Re – X-rays can look inside
Mi – to see, if I am sick
Fa – hrenheit, a temperature scale
So – Conjunction Junction function
La – bad luck with hurricanes
Ti – Mister from the A-Team
That will bring us back to D’oh! (Repeat 37 times)
How hard was that? Next time I bump into Julie Andrews I’ll see if she’ll record an exclusive version for the blog.
Jughead or Goober
Posted by Mark in Current Events, Random on June 1st, 2009
So today I read that Archie of Archie comic book fame is going to propose to Veronica in an issue later this fall. One wonders if the normally sweet Betty will turn into a bitter hag because of being jilted. Perhaps Mr. Weatherbee can officiate the wedding. I imagine a reception with elegant trays piled with carefully arranged Bazooka bubble gum. Maybe Jughead will even take off that weird crown thing he wears for the ceremony.*
Regardless, it’s sure to be a big day at whatever retirement community they’re all living in now.
*In doing my typical extensive research for this post, I learned that Jughead’s hat is a type of beanie made by taking a man’s fedora and cutting the upturned brim into a sawtooth pattern. Apparently this was a trend in the 1930s and 1940s. This type hat was also favored by Goober Pyle on The Andy Griffith Show. I will leave it to you the reader to decide whether Jughead Jones or Goober Pyle was the more noteworthy wearer of this type of beanie. If I ever get asked to moderate a presidential debate, this is the sort of question I will throw out there just to test from how great a distance a skilled politico can travel to work in his commitment to working families.
“Mark, that’s a somewhat unusual question there about Jughead or Goober being the more famous wearer of a specific hat. But any talk of fashion or clothing brings immediately to mind the struggles today’s working familes face when trying to not just clothe, but also to feed and shelter their familes. To make the paycheck last until the end of the month. To pay for rising healthcare costs. That’s why my plan seeks to blah blah blah…”
